


I Need Help, but Not in an Edgy Way

by phoenix_risen



Category: Dear Evan Hansen - Pasek & Paul/Levenson
Genre: Bisexual Evan Hansen, Connor Murphy & Zoe Murphy Reconciliation, Connor Murphy Lives (Dear Evan Hansen), Enemies to Friends to Lovers, Everyone Is Alive, F/F, F/M, Gay Connor Murphy (Dear Evan Hansen), M/M, Pining, Pining Jared Kleinman, Slow Burn, Trans Jared Kleinman, Tree Bros, connor writes music, hes still depressed but like at least he has friends to help, in the case of kleinphy, kleinphy, sincerely three, sorry for so many tags, uhhh more tags later
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-01-03
Updated: 2019-01-06
Packaged: 2019-10-03 06:38:00
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 3,700
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17278940
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/phoenix_risen/pseuds/phoenix_risen
Summary: "Connor didn’t like to dwell on “why me”s. He already knew why shit things happened to him, and it was because he was a shit person...."Connor Murphy is a high school senior with just about every issue possible, and to top it all off parents who don't want to deal with it. When they threaten to send him to what is basically a reform school, Connor lies about having friends that he would miss. Touched by this, his parents give him an ultimatum with two requirements: Introduce them to his friends, and get involved in their extracurriculars. If he can't do this, then he'll be sent away. Desperate to spend his senior year home and free to do as he pleases, Connor enlists the help of Evan Hansen, another (mostly) friendless kid at his school, and by extension the "insanely cool" Jared Kleinman.  Despite it starting as an arrangement, Connor starts to find enjoyment in spending time with his new "friends" at their respective extracurriculars. But even so, road bumps come up and the new friendship and possible budding crushes among and outside of the three may not be able to withstand the rockiness of it.





	1. Leech Boy

Connor didn’t like to dwell on “why me”s. He already knew why shit things happened to him, and it was because he was a shit person. He one hundred percent, completely and utterly believed any fucked thing that happened to him was karma coming for his ass. He did terrible things, then terrible things happened to him. And he just never ever learned from it. No matter how many times he went through the cycle, he still had outbursts, he still smoked and screamed and skipped school like there wasn’t consequences. There were, everytime, he  _ knew _ that, but he didn’t stop. Because he was an asshole idiot and deserved it.

But this? This was actual bullshit.

It all started with him coming home after disappearing for a couple days. He did that a lot, usually just staying at his dealer’s place. He’d smoke and lie on the floor or couch, letting himself feel like shit without anyone telling him to get up. But even his dealer, a chill guy named Dustin from a town over, had gotten sick of him stinking up his couch with his unshowered teenage nastiness and kicked him back home. Because of course even the guy who sold him drugs thought he was a nuisance. Connor had sullenly obliged and, still stoned out of his mind, tried to sneak back into his house to shower and get a change of clothes. That didn’t work out as well as he’d hoped, as he’d run into his parents as soon as he walked in the door.

They didn’t seem happy to see him. Not that they usually did.

His mother had sat him down, asking gently if he was high. He said no, how dare she assume that, why was she such a bitch about it? And of course Larry got pissed at him for calling his mother a bitch, and so on and so on. Same old shit. But then the worst part, the  _ new _ part, some consequence Connor didn’t even know was a possibility, came up. Reformatory School.  _ Reformatory School. _ Or as they called it,  _ alternative school _ . Basically, they wanted to ship him off to some school for “troubled teens” for his senior year. A military school Larry’s coworker went to as a kid, some weird Christian School recommended by a lady in his mom’s new book club, or some other hell hole for kids whose parents couldn’t handle them. They were going to boot him off to some random school whose motto was something terrifying like “Giving You Back Your Good God-Fearing Boys” and have a grand old time with the kid they actually liked back home.

In a mix of panic and what must have been pot-induced idiocy, Connor defaulted to a stupid lie to try and get out of it. The prospect spooked him into rash action.

“Don’t make me go, I have friends here!”  
He was so fucking dumb. Why the fuck would he say that. He didn’t have a single friend, let alone ones his parents would approve of. There was no way it would work.

Despite being convinced he’d dug his own grave, his mother was immediately sympathetic. She started asking him who his friends were and why she’d never met them, that she wouldn’t dream of taking him away from friends. It was like Connor had just provided her his own saving grace, that her son did something normal for a change. Like if she believed in him and his friends he absolutely had now, he would just  _ be _ normal. Larry didn’t look convinced, but Connor stayed as quick on his feet as his somewhat muddled brain could handle. Yes, she could meet them, he’d just been sad during the summer because they both were away. Where? Oh, camps and things, he couldn’t remember, neither of them had Wifi though. That’s why he’d been acting out more, he was just sad his friends were gone and couldn’t talk to them. Yup, absolutely. Haha.

Ha.

She ate it up, too. It was exactly what she wanted to hear. She gave him a hug and shooed him off to the shower with a smile after making him promise to have them over for dinner when they were back. Even Larry seemed a little less skeptical, or at the very least less interested in the whole thing. 

Connor was quick to get out of there once his mother gave him the okay. He was hurrying towards the bathroom when he passed Zoe in the hallway. She was glaring at him like she wished he’d spontaneously combust. He returned the look, though he didn’t blame her for looking at him like that to begin with.

“You’re so full of shit.” She hissed. She must have been hovering, listening to the conversation. The nosy shrew. He was surprised she cared that much.

“If you tell them, I’ll fucking kill you in your sleep.” He hissed back, venom twice what she’d given him. She went white, despite being used to his threats, and continued on her way. She gave him one last withering look before turning the corner into the living room.

Connor deserved every shit thing that happened to him. Because he said those kinds of things to Zoe, because he lied to his parents who were trying to help. But like hell he was gonna stop. 

He couldn’t. It was too late for him. Too bad.

 

* * *

 

 

It was the morning of the first day of school. Connor’s parents were still constantly on him about his friends, and about “alternative” schooling. Alternative schooling was for people who needed special teachers and extra help. They wanted to ship him off to a bad kid’s school, to spend time with a bunch of other short tempered assholes. He could barely stand himself, he’d rather not be stuck in a room with twenty copies of him. Also, after talking to his mom about it, the kid her book club friend was talking about apparently was a fifteen year old that knocked up a girl his age, convinced another guy to kill himself, then pulled a knife on someone when he got to the school. Also he was an atheist, but that didn’t bother him as much as literally every other thing the kid had done. Like fuck. The worst thing he’d ever done was throw a printer at a teacher, and like, threaten people. The printer thing wasn’t even something that happened recently! God fuckin’ damn. He didn’t want to be around people like that. 

He was seriously going to have to find someone to agree to lie for him and pretend to be his friend, wasn’t he?

Fucking. Fuck.

To make it worse, she said that he had to join one of his friends’ extracurriculars, on top of introducing them. Like hell, he was already reaching with having friends, now his mom wanted him to have  _ hobbies _ , too? He’d have to deal with that later, now, since he couldn’t join his friends’ extracurriculars if he didn’t have any friends to begin with. God, what had he gotten himself into?

He actually forwent stealing any of his mother’s airplane Xanax or whatever she needed it for, or even smoking, before going to school. God knows he fucking needed it, he was shaking the entire reluctant ride from Zoe to school, but he also needed his brain working as hard as it could be. He was gonna have a panic attack, but goddamn if he wasn’t gonna force himself through it. He could make it. He could make it.

Okay, maybe one pre-first period joint wouldn’t kill him. Just to take the edge off him. He’d miss first period, but it would be worth it to stop the anxious gnaw that was aching through his body. He dashed out of Zoe’s car without so much as a goodbye or  thank you, straight inside and-

Right into someone.

He backed up with a hiss, rubbing his chin. Their head had collided directly with it. Fuck being tall, honestly. He looked at the person angrily.

“Watch it! What are you, blind?”

The other person didn’t answer immediately, as they were holding their head with one hand. The other was gently poking at it, but rather ineffectively as it was mostly wrapped in a completely blank cast.

Well, that was pathetic. Connor took a second to look them over. A dude, as far as he could tell. Dirty blond hair, a striped polo in shades of blue, and despite having a boxy look to him, he seemed like he was less muscular than his frame lent itself to being and like he might fold into himself and try and disappear. This guy…. Might be what he was looking for.

The cast-person finally noticed Connor staring, and flinched back before hurrying off with an awkward, muttered apology. He never once made direct eye contact. Connor watched him go, a plan formulating in his mind. The guy seemed friendless, weird, and shy. Easy pickings for someone who needed someone else willing to go along with a lie, possibly for financial compensation. Or just to intimidate into doing it. He hadn’t decided yet. Regardless, that was his target. Cast-kid was gonna be his friend whether he liked it or not. He just needed to come up with a good plan to corner him.

The joint would help.

Connor shoved his hands in his pockets and walked to the bathroom, thinking of ideas already on how to get this kid to do what he wanted. This could work. This could work.

This could work


	2. Dread in My Heart

Trying to figure out how exactly to convince cast-guy to be his fake friend was turning out to be a lot harder than Connor had initially thought. First of all, he didn’t have a lot of money that didn’t go straight to weed or gas. Secondly, if he wanted to go the intimidation route, he would have to try and do so without scaring the guy so shitless he ran. He already had a bad reputation, and their short interaction that morning had been less than amicable. Smoking helped his overall nerves, and it wasn’t enough to make him feel fuzzy. Just better. He actually handled his first few classes without incident, which was pretty weird for him. He chalked it up to being distracted. He didn’t take any notes, didn’t bother any teachers. It was fine.

He still didn’t know how exactly to obtain a friend.

Connor dragged his hands down his face as he walked to his final class before lunch. This was such a bad situation, why the fuck was he such an idiot? This was all his fault. He was going to be sent away, his parents would be doubly pissed, he’d never be able to talk to Zoe again… God, this sucked. He finally looked up and around at the surrounding hallways, and immediately spotted cast kid.

He was hovering next to an open locker, staring at the door, talking to someone. Okay, Connor could just wait for him to finish, then approach him. No problem, no problem. Though, it was gonna be a little harder if he did have a friend. Maybe the friend was just as awkward and could be recruited too. Then he could have not one, but  _ two  _ “friends”, which would make more sense for his lie. This could actually work! The door to the locker closed and an annoyingly familiar laugh rang out.

Oh.

Oh no.

This kid was friends with  _ Jared Kleinman _ ? Who in their right mind would be friends with  **_Jared Kleinman_ ** ?? The guy was an asshole and a bully, constantly insulting anyone who came within ten feet of him. If he found out about Connor’s situation, he’d blackmail the fuck out of him. Connor decided he could still attempt to talk to Evan, but definitely not now. He didn’t wanna deal with Jared’s bullshit, so he’d just keep walking for now. Though, he’d already been hovering a while while thinking about all this, just staring at them and now Jared was grinning at him, fuck, fuck, FUCK.

“Hey there, Murphy. Love the new hair length, very school shooter chic.” Jared quipped. Cast kid looked nervously between him and Connor. Connor’s stare very quickly became a glare.

“Hi, Kleinman, glad to see you still have the social grace of an incel and a face to match.” He snapped in retort. “Makes me feel a little better knowing there’s someone here who’s more pathetic than I am.”

Jared laughed. “Don’t say that about Evan, he can’t help it.”

Cast kid -- Evan, apparently -- looked incredibly uncomfortable, and muttered something towards the floor. Connor rolled his eyes, glowering.

“I don’t know him, so I don’t give a fuck, but from what I’m gathering from our little dialogue here is that he doesn’t use insults to try and hide the fact he’s a sniveling little bastard.” Connor stalked up and cuffed Jared over the head. It wasn’t hard, but it definitely wasn’t soft, either. It was super worth it, though, to see the shocked look on Jared’s face. 

“Bitch!” Jared whined, rubbing his head. Connor huffed off, grabbing the strap of his bag. “You freak.”

“You’re the fucking freak.” Connor spat behind him, speeding up a little. Why did he _do that_ , why was he such a _dumbass_ , oh Jesus Christ, now he’d have to find someone else. Someone else who would be as friendless and anxious as himself who would _listen to him_ ….  
With Jared still yelling at him down the hall, Connor hurried away, to the stairs, up to the roof, and just stayed there. He didn’t go to class, not to lunch, not to anything. He just sat up there and lit up again. Why was he so disappointed? It wasn’t like he’d had a real plan anyway. There was no reason to feel this terrible about acting like a fuckhead in front a person he’d chosen at random to be his “friend”. And why the fuck had he smacked Jared? Sure the guy deserved it, but the context was the opposite of ideal for acting like that. Ugh. Ugh, ugh, ugh.

Instead of actually trying to come up with a solution, Connor opted to just spend the rest of the day smoking on the roof. It wouldn’t be the first time, and he doubted it would be the last. He just needed to take his mind off the bullshit. Just for a little bit.

 

* * *

 

Connor hadn’t even really registered the amount of time that had passed by the time he came back down stairs. It looked like the school was mostly empty, which meant he’d have to walk home, unless there was Jazz Band that day. Otherwise, Zoe would have absolutely not waited for him. It was bitchy, but justified. She didn’t really owe Connor anything, considering he was an ass to her, but still. He didn’t want to walk. With all that in mind, he decided it wouldn’t be the end of the world to go and check the band room for her. If she was there, he’d just hover like a creep until she came out and gave him a lift. If she wasn’t, he’d walk home. Usually there was a third option, calling his mom for a ride, but he didn’t want to have the awkward conversation about his still non-existent friends in the car where he couldn’t escape. So band room, then home. Okay.  
Connor shambled down the stairs, trying to remember how to get to the right room from where he was. The quickest route would be to cut through the library, past the computer lab, so that’s where he’d go, he supposed, if the door was still unlocked. He hurried down the hall to the door, and sighed with relief when he saw the library lights were still on. Opening the door, he scanned the room for other people. If a teacher saw him, or well, smelled him, that would probably be the nail in his coffin. He didn’t immediately see anyone, but on his second look around he spotted none other than Evan, cast-kid, whoever on a laptop near the printers. He seemed to be humming something softly while printing out whatever he needed to. Connor, who didn’t make good decisions sober when his anxiety was there anyways, decided to walk right up to him. It didn’t occur to him how stupid of an idea that was until he already spoke aloud.

“What happened to your arm?” FUCK, why did he ask that?

Evan seemed startled, whipping around as he pressed print. The printer started chugging along, getting his paper all ready. “Uh, um, I fell out of a tree…?”

Connor felt a smile tug at his lips. “What are you, five? Dude.” He was quite for a second. “And no one’s even signed your cast? Not even, like, your parents? Or Kleinman?”

“Well, Jared said we were just family friends so he wouldn’t. And my mom thought people would think I was lame if she signed it.” Evan fiddled with the hem of his shirt, smiling back with obvious discomfort.

“Having it blank is even more lame.” So he and Jared weren’t friends? That was a relief. “I can sign it, if you want. To make up for you having to see me be a dick to your family friend.”

“You don’t have to. I understand feeling that way. About Jared, I mean.”

“Nah, I will. Here.” He went into his bag and pulled out a dark blue sharpie. “Stick out your arm.”

Evan complied. 

Connor wrote his name in big letters, all the way across. It was kind of a dickish thing to do, but it wasn’t like people were swarming for a spot. May as well take up as much of the sad white blankness as possible. Evan just watched as he did it, wincing a little.

“I’m Connor, by the way. Murphy.”

“I know.”

“You know?”

“Y-yeah, uh, sorry, that’s a weird thing to say, but, um, Jared was complaining about you so obviously I know your name because he does, but also your Zoe’s brother so I’ve seen you walk with her sometimes. Like into the school and stuff. She came up to me after you yelled at Jared and said-” Evan suddenly cut off, like he thought he’d said too much.

Connor arched a brow. “And said what? That I’m nuts? A druggie? A psycho? She’s not entirely wrong about that.”

Evan just chuckled nervously.

“Whatever, dude.” Connor looked over at the printer and picked up the new paper, Evan’s paper. He looked it over.

_ Dear Evan Hansen: It turns out, this wasn't an amazing day after all. This isn't going to be an amazing week or an amazing year. Because… Why would it be? Oh, I know. Because there’s Zoe…. _

“Zoe?”

“Not your sister!” Evan squeaked out, voice cracking with how forcefully he’d said it. His cheeks were a little pink. What, did this guy like Zoe?

Wait… That was perfect.

“So if I told her you have a crush on a Zoe, that would be fine?”

“ _ No, no, no please don’t do that _ -” Evan actually got up and tried to grab the paper. Connor used his height to his advantage and held the paper out of Evan’s reach.

“So you  _ do _ like her. You like Zoe. And you don’t want me to tell. Well, you’re going to have to do something for me, first.” Connor said matter-of-factly. Evan’s face went white.

“I don’t have any money.”

“Who said I wanted money?”

“Well, you-”

“I what? I don’t want your money. I do want something from you, though. And if you do what I want I won’t show her this.” Connor folded the letter up and put it in his pocket. Evan watched it with wide, disbelieving eyes. Connor felt like a dick, but this was too perfect an opportunity to save himself from being sent away. “I told my parents I have friends so they won’t send me to some stupid fucking private school somewhere. You act the part, your secret’s safe with me.”

Evan tore his eyes away from Connor’s pocket, still looking like he was in complete shock. “You’re blackmailing me into being your friend.”

“Yes. I am. And if you tell anyone, especially that motormouth Kleinman, I  _ will _ tell her. I’ll show her this and tell her that you watch her walk in and out of school everyday. Maybe even embellish it more. Make it weirder. But if you hang out with me, eat dinner with my parents and tell me what weird clubs you’re in, I won’t say anything. Plus, you get to see her more outside of school. I’m sure that would just make you  _ so  _ happy, you creep.” Connor was still speaking frankly, no teasing undertones, just stating what he wanted. He held out his hand. “Deal?”

Evan took a few shaky breaths, looking all around as if a solution to his problem would just manifest itself in the room around him. When none appeared, he sighed and took Connor’s hand.

“O-okay. She was right, though.”

“Hmm?”

“You are a psychopath.”

Connor barked out a humorless laugh. “Maybe so. Maybe I’m more sick in the head than you could ever think. Maybe I’m just trying to get help. Maybe I’m just acting like some edgy fuck from some teen drama. Who knows. I’ll friend you on Facebook later so we can go over all the bullshit we’ll need to know. How you broke your arm, where, when, whatever. It’s nice to see that you do have some kind of balls, at the very least.”

Evan sighed again. “Sorry.”

“You’re super fucking pathetic.” There was just the slightest hint of pity in his voice. “Well, I gotta go. See you around, Evan.”

“Mm.” Evan just looked at the ground.

Connor rolled his eyes a little and walked away, continuing towards the band room. It was an opportunity he had to take, and even the guilt welling up in his chest wasn’t enough for him to regret it. He did what he had to.

He made a fucking “friend”.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> All the chapter titles will be songs that like....... sort of relate to the story? but who knows if it'll always be that way
> 
> Its weird to finally write again.


End file.
